I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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