Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Small penises have feelings too.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
