dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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