Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
