you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
