I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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