Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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