Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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