Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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