glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
