it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
