Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
