I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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