By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
