census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
