The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
