I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
