from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
