bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
