so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
