Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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