Moan for me like Helen Keller
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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