I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
