I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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