bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
