Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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