Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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