I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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