Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
