I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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