I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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