I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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