So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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