i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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