Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
