I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
