I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
