So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
