There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
