If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
