chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
