I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
