He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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