i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
