I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
