Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
