I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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