I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
