Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
