***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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