Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
