last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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