We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
