The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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