apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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