Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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