I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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