I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He felt like a one man threesome
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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